There came a day when I was driving and for no known reason, and rather embarrassingly, I thought of the 00’s song ‘Hero’ by Enrique Inglesias. (https://open.spotify.com/track/24Gxm7Eh7tO83E26LG0CsY )
Or at least a few lines from it. Almost against my better reasoning I put it on.
‘Would you dance, if I asked you to dance?’
Only tears came in response. Because, ‘No, dancing was impossible’. I could not even take a breath, no matter dance. So squashed was my spirit. I knew then as sincerely as I have known anything, that something had to shift, but I could not see a way. So that song became a kind of prayer, ‘Save my soul tonight’, ‘Get me out from under here’.
Fast forward about a month and I could go on no longer. The day my mind was so full, fuzzy and discombobulated. The day there was no more energy to summons. The day my body, which to its credit, had been alarming at me all year, now screamed ‘ENOUGH’.
Back one summer we had gone to the Forbidden Corner, (https://www.theforbiddencorner.co.uk), a quirky extensive place of oddities, eccentrics and nudity. My kids like, ‘everything here is creepy!’ and, ‘why are all these statues naked?!’ Scattered around are lost grandparents utterly baffled, asking into the abyss the rhetorical question, ‘what’s the theme here?’, as they lose their grandchild once again round a corner and down a rabbit hole.
In one section, access to which involves leaping across stepping stones, avoiding water shoots and navigating dark tunnels, leads eventually to an underground room of doors. Some lead to yet more tunnels and doors, some lead to nowhere. Each path brings you out in another part of the maze. Our kids, eager to track down all the items on the map, and me with my fear of missing out, tried all of them. We think. But we’re not sure. No one can ever be sure. We went round this one section 7 times. Then having ran out of snacks, water, energy and ideas, we agreed to pause and to find some lemonade.
Once we had done this.
Once we were outside the maze.
We all agreed not to go round again.
What was an unfathomable mystery would have to remain so. We tried all the ways we knew and we were done. We had some marks on a map of where we had been. We had photos of our perplexed faces. We had stories to tell. We had each other, and lemonade. And that was enough.
I thought of that summers day on the day I had truly had enough. I had gone round 7 times 7. I had tried all the doors, walked all the lonely tunnels, felt baffled, lost and confused. I was stuck in a rabbit hole and it was stifling. There was no dancing and no lemonade. I birthed my way out, my mind, soul and body all in agreement – we would not be going round again.
Image by Myriams-Fotos /